Dull, weird and slightly disturbing thoughts…

Posts tagged ‘fart’

The look of horror…

Paul was laying on the floor, pretending to do the ‘dying fly’ coz he’d just farted.

I walk next to him and he pulled my trousers down!  So, instead of the usual mad rush to pull them back up again, I decided to get my own back …

I promptly turned around and started to squat over him saying “I really need to fart…”

The look of sheer panic on his face made me laugh SOOOOOOOO much I could barely breathe!

It resembled this…






Farts, nicknames and pansies…

So, we’ve cut right back on the beers lately.  Instead of a few bottles with dinner & during the evening, we’ve been having tea or soft drinks.  It’s been great – saving money AND less trips to the bottle bank!  The other and, in my opinion, most important benefit has been that Paul hasn’t been farting anywhere NEAR as much as he used to!  On the odd occasion when he does, they haven’t had the usual disgusting aroma!

Well, that was until he went out on Thursday for ‘curry night’!  I don’t know what they put in it, but when he got home the combination of beer and curry had mutated inside his guts and the resulting emissions could have been used in chemical warfare!  It was as if a fog of death had descended on the house.  Even the girls, when they came in for their morning cuddle, declared “urgh, it stinks in here!”. Being the top bloke that he is, Paul instantly replied “I know…your mum keeps farting!” 😐

We’ve just had a couple of days off, so on Friday we went to the garden centre to have breakfast.  Toast, eggs, bacon, sausage, beans, mushrooms and hashbrowns for Paul (he wasn’t that hungry) and scrambled egg on toast for me.

Now, I’m sure a lot of people out there know Paul better than me, but I’m fairly confident when I say that he’s NOT an avid gardener and really doesn’t have any interest in plants.  In fact, if you ask him what a particular plant is the answer is likely to be “a green one that has flowers on it”.  So I was a little surprised when he started moaning about the winter pansies…

“They’re really disappointing aren’t they? Not really a rainbow of colours!  It’s like they’re saying ‘yeah, we’re here, we’re flowering, move along…meh!'”

There’s no pleasing some people! 🙄







Oh yeah, the nicknames…

Can’t decide which is the most appropriate for him at the moment.

Option 1SKUNK – When we get into a fight (play fight I might add), or if I move suddenly and he’s not expecting it, he farts!  This leads me to think that he may be part skunk and uses it as a defence mechanism.

Option 2 – THRUSH – Let’s just say that he’s been an extremely irritating twat lately…

Decisions, decisions…

sneesnee le stink

Man or Turtle? You decide…

Is it me or is Paul morphing into a turtle???

Man or Turtle???

I know I’ve mentioned a few times that Paul farts occasionally, but I never realised how much different food and drink can affect him! He used to have vegetables once (maybe twice) a week, but now he eats them a lot more regularly and his body must be getting used to them coz the farts still happen, but they don’t stink the house out so much. BUT – add a few pints of beer and you’re starting to get back to a lethal concoction again! Add red wine and you’ve got a mixture that the Military could use in chemical warfare!  I don’t even want to think about what it was like after he ate some blue cheese… 😯

Bought myself an iPad 2 with birthday money – such a cool gadget!!  One tiny problem though…tried to update my blog on it the other day but it wouldn’t show the text as I was typing it.  If only I knew someone who was a bit ‘geeky’ that could help with that…   😐

Well, that’s about it really.  Nothing amusing has happened lately (at least nothing that I can put on here without Paul killing me! 😉  )

The Big 40!

So, I reached the grand old age of 40 this weekend and what was the first thing that happened??  I wake up with an aching back… I am now old enough to be injured by sleeping!!!

Had a fab day out in London and (apart from a dizzy moment on the train when I thought my reflection was actually my sister) we had a pretty ‘sensible’ but enjoyable day! Paul even managed to resist the temptation to do his ‘flock of cows’ joke while we were on the train!  There was definitely no danger of him doing it on the way home because he was a tired little man who fell asleep almost as soon as the train started moving!

Bless him – we’d had a big lunch at The Hard Rock Cafe (where we got him a t-shirt to add to his many others from HRC’s around the world!). Then, as we’d spent so long on the underground (something he’s not really that keen on), we walked back to Westminster instead of catching the Tube.  Have to say how seriously impressed I am with the maps app on my phone coz it guided us beautifully! (We only went wrong once – at the very start – and that was coz ‘he’ said we needed to walk down a particular road and it was the wrong one – but my maps app made allowances for the ‘man directions’ and guided us back onto the right path!)  Who’d trust directions from a man whose phone didn’t even know which country we were in and wanted to take us to Westminster in the USA?!

Sunday was the perfect way to round off my birthday.  A fantastic roast dinner cooked by the lovely ‘Von’ in a room decorated with ‘Fab at 40’ banners and lots of sparkly number 40’s sprinkled all over the table! She’d even MADE me a chocolate and orange marble cake that tastes amazing!!  I’ve got some serious ‘girl love’ for her now!

Well, I’d better get on coz Von and I are gonna be ‘Ladies Wot Lunch’ today and I’m still looking pretty hungover from yesterday – I don’t think I possess enough concealer to cope with the bags under my eyes this morning!

I shall leave you with a little piece of advice…

If you see the lovely Paul on an escalator then NEVER get on behind him. We’d just started the descent and I could hear him sniggering.  The little darling had timed his fart to perfection and managed to leave it hanging in the air for all the commuters to enjoy while we were carried away to safety.  You can’t take that man anywhere… 😐

Weekend, sunburn and love-puffs…

What a fab weekend!  Even the grumpy teenager managed to break into a smile a few times! (Admittedly, it was when either he or Paul were taking the piss out of me – but I’m ok with that…for now!)

Spent Sunday at Wicksteed Park and had a great family day out.  The log flume was the favourite…up until the boys (aka Paul & Dan) decided that it wasn’t enough to just float around as we should, but to wildly rock the boat left & right instead! Once we’d screamed at them enough to stop, the next ‘good idea’ they had was to flick water at us from behind. (We were sitting in height order so the boys were at the back).  I think Paul may have instigated that one, but Dan managed to take it one step too far by scooping a bloody great handful of water and then chuck it over me! Had a slight sense of humour failure at that point, but we soon got over it.  I got a little bit sunburnt – well, burnt enough that if I stand next to the side of the road traffic will mistake my shoulders for the ‘stop light’!

It’s officially the start of the school summer holiday today and I’m working from home for the next couple of weeks, so I really should get on with some of it but I’ll leave you with this little ‘heart-warming’ story…

I get up this morning to make Paul a cup of tea and do some beef sandwiches in lieu of the bacon rolls he’ll be missing as I’m not in the office.  I deliver the tea to the bedside and get back in for a quick cuddle.  Paul sits up, gets his tea and then casually lifts his arse cheek, aims at me and farts!!! 😦  Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not after eternal praise and gratitude, but I was kinda hoping for a ‘thanks babe’ or a hug.  Instead, I was subjected to the bubbling sewer that is his arse!  When I pointed out that maybe a ‘thanks’ would have sufficed his response was “…but I was giving you a love-puff!” 😯

Some days I do struggle to remind myself just HOW lucky I am… 😐

Rain, Farts & Baby Guinness…

Apparently I didn’t get the high-tech blog that updates itself and I’m supposed to do it manually! Who knew?! (Thanks for the gentle reminder, Arie – I feel like I have a guiding angel on my shoulder – or an evil taskmaster with a whip – now there’s an image!!)  Paul reckoned that he wasn’t updating his because of his ‘Error 500 – Internal Server Error’ issue (whatever the hell that is) but now it’s sorted he’s STILL hardly updated it!!  How come the beginner is getting picked on??!!

Anyway…Paul (aka snee, aka Bagpuss) and I were going to get all ‘cultural’ and head to London for the day on Saturday to wander around The National Gallery (apparently Monet is a bit of a fav of his!)  We got about 500yrds from my house and we were soaked!  There was only one thing for it…go home, get changed and head off to the garden centre for a cooked breakfast – which I thought was lovely, but the sausage made him burp (like he needs an excuse!) and I then had the next several hours listening to “buuurrrpp – that sausage keeps repeating on me, that sausage keeps repeating on me”!   It’s even less funny out loud than it is in writing! 😐

The burping I can cope with, but the farting is a different matter.  Now, anyone who has read snee’s blog knows (in his lucky list) that I do find farting funny.  I can’t help it – I know that, as a mum, I should frown and teach my kids the proper etiquette in polite society – but unless it’s REALLY gross and inappropriate, I laugh!  Gross doesn’t even come CLOSE to describing some of the cat-farts that he’s capable of!  Our relationship is still in the early stages (despite a gap of 2.5 years between dates 2 and 3!).  He should still be making a bit of an effort to impress shouldn’t he??  Let me ask this a different way … should he do the rankest cat-fart possible in the bedroom, dash outside and then hold the door shut so I can’t get out as well?!  I was stuck in a room, unable to reach a window because that meant going through the wall of fart and I couldn’t get out the door because he’s holding it shut and laughing his nuts off on the other side.  Yeah, the shine has worn of pretty damn quick…!!*

Baby Guinness:  For anyone that hasn’t tried it, it’s a shot glass containing Tia Maria topped with Baileys.  We had a ‘couple’ over the weekend and if, like me, you haven’t eaten anything it tends to bypass every part of your body and head straight for the speech and balance areas of the brain! (It must have been them, because I’m sure it had nothing to do with the amount of vodka I’d had!)

Right – better actually do some work now.  Oh yeah, I still need to decide whether to go to FatClub tonight…I’ve not been a ‘good girl’.  😦

(*for the record – I did still end up laughing about it afterwards.  I am as freaky and weird as he says I am. 😦  )

EDIT: Went to FatClub – I’ve lost 2.5 lbs! woop woop!  I now ‘officially’ weigh less than Paul! 🙂